Episodes on Episodes: Why do PE teachers make exercise so miserable, when it’s our most accessible weapon against mental health problems?

Now this isn’t your average, ‘have you heard that exercise might be good for your mental health?’ piece.

It starts with a confession about something I did in a PE lesson. Important, because for many, PE is our first interaction with physical activity.

PE, for many, is utterly miserable.

And I’m ashamed to say: I cheated in a PE lesson once.

I grew up in Dubai, UAE — there were no plush fields or woodland. Things are much hotter with temperatures that reached 50 degrees at some points in the Summer.

Now it’s no secret that some PE teachers are sadists. PE is predicated on pain: more exercise, like extra laps or push ups, was punishment for a lackluster performance. PE teachers make you do unpleasant exercise-related things in inhumane temperatures, knowing full well that many are entirely unable to do some of those things themselves.

The ones I had at school were no different.

One particularly sadistic PE teacher thought it would be really healthy to resurrect the British compulsion to make kids do cross country. At my school, it was called ‘run around the school four times’.

It was a particularly low point in the calendar. They knew it, so you couldn’t hide in the bathroom stalls, as I’d once tried to do.

So off we set off on the world’s most boring run of the perimeter of our school, four times.

On my third lap, I spot a fellow ‘running is miserable’ comrade, who was sadly yanked out of the toilet cubicle where she also tried to hide. I took an opportunity to ‘show good sportsmanship’ and ran with her as moral support.

Really, I just needed an excuse to slow down so I wasn’t forced to do an extra lap on top of it all.

Now, anyone that knows me knows that I’m no athlete. I was sporty ‘enough’ because I was on the Netball team. Useful for my abnormally long arms, I was a Goal Keeper. Running any distance, however, is just entirely thankless.

When we got to the ‘lap point’ or finish line, I was stopped by a PE teacher who was more compassionate than your average.

My time was recorded as complete at three laps. My fellow ‘I hate PE’ comrade had to run another.

Having a reputation for being ‘sporty enough’ saved me.

Not only was I congratulated for improving on last year’s time by at least 8 minutes, but I was also praised for showing excellent sportswomanship by supporting my friend who didn’t like running.

I didn’t correct him. I was just grateful that this particular PE teacher couldn’t count. My friend was in total protest as she had to keep going.

I was saved for another year, but it’s eaten me up ever since. I felt terrible.

At school, I thought PE was a huge waste of time. I grew up to realise I was wrong.

As an adult, I’ve realised that physical activity is one of the biggest misery relievers going. I’ve come to appreciate this more as someone with a broken ankle.

I found sport again as an adult. My best friend at university died. I was crippled by grief, and I had convinced myself that my constant stomach ache was some horrific google-able disease and that I was doomed.

My GP told me it was ‘just stress’ and I should ‘probably take up running or yoga something’.

So I did. Couch to 5K got a download. I found Yoga with Adrienne on Youtube. I took up pilates and eventually plucked up the courage to go to a gym, where I could partake in classes (I had no idea what I was doing).

Now running didn’t get any more enjoyable. To get myself out, I left myself nudges, such as putting my shoes by my bedroom door in order to prompt me to do the thing. Pilates is harder than it looks, and some of the evil shit they make you do in gym classes is nothing but an assault on my unfit lungs. Adriene leaves you stuck in a downward dog for what feels like forever. Me? Lift weights? It’s all deeply unpleasant, but I did enjoy the high afterwards.

I noticed that Adriene wouldn’t stop banging on about it ‘being your practice’. The penny eventyally dropped: exercise doesn’t have to be a competition.

I didn’t have to always run at full pelt, or go further than I went last time. The goal wasn’t to get good at it, but rather to do it enough that I could get that post-exercise high.

The goalposts were moved. Once I stripped the pain and competition from sport, things were different. It was all for my head.

I found greater joy in lifting weights than I did running up hills, so I just did that more.

Pilates was more pleasant than going to a spin class.

And, as an adult, I didn’t have to put up with gym instructors that shouted HARDER. FASTER. YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY. YOU’RE ONLY LYING TO YOURSELF.

And here we are, full circle.

It felt like a survival thing to lie about only doing 3 laps instead of 4, because the prospect of being forced to do miserable things in PE made me more anxious than the activity itself.

PE doesn’t have to be punishment, and neither do the exercise habits you carry into adulthood.

Over time, I started getting a bit better at things. Being stuck in a downward dog became pleasant. It was quite fun having a long cycle from Soho to Tottenham. Your head feels freer afterward.

Exercise lets your mind breathe, but to get there, we are allowed to pick things that we might find enjoyable because we aren’t in PE anymore. Not everything has to be a competition. It can just be therapeutic or helpful.

So, why do PE teachers make exercise so miserable, when it’s our most accessible (not necessarily the best)

weapon against mental health problems?

We can only blame an antiquated curriculum, designed to push excellence, rather than one that’s designed to help children learn and carry valuable skills into adulthood. Certainly true when I was at school, though I couldn’t comment on what it may be like now.